John Scalzi is a grasp of subverting expectations and skewering style conventions. The creator of Redshirts, The Kaiju Preservation Society, and Starter Villain is adept at turning time-worn tropes on their head with humor and knowledge, riffing on every thing from archetypal sci-fi to Bond-esque supervillainy. For his newest guide, When the Moon Hits Your Eye, Scalzi takes a crack at catastrophe fiction, imagining a world confronted with an existential disaster within the type of the moon abruptly and unexpectedly having remodeled into cheese.
Ahead of the guide’s launch on March 25, Tor Books provided Polygon an unique excerpt from When the Moon Hits Your Eye. In addition, John Scalzi shared a press release prefacing why he selected this specific excerpt to share:
When you’re writing on a subject as outrageous because the Moon turning into one thing else completely, one secret to creating it work is to have your characters deal with it completely critically — to have the reactions a standard individual in the true world might need in the identical state of affairs. In this chapter, two scientists, a spy, a army man and a politician all sit down to debate what the precise hell is perhaps occurring when abruptly the moon has modified and nobody is aware of why.
As a facet notice, that is the chapter I learn to audiences on my most up-to-date guide tour, as a result of I wished to see how they’d react to this complete premise. I can say I used to be proud of the response.
Washington, DC | The White House Situation Room
White House Chief of Staff Pat Heffernan sat on the head of the convention desk and seemed on the 4 specialists arrayed on both facet of the desk. “Let’s get to this,” he stated. “It is”—he checked his watch—“six thirty within the a.m., I’ve a briefing with the president in precisely half an hour, and since everyone knows he doesn’t hassle to learn the each day intelligence briefing, it’ll fall to me to clarify what the hell is occurring. So clarify it to me. Use small phrases on me so I can use smaller phrases on him. Somebody begin.”
“The information is that good,” Heffernan stated, wryly, and pointed to Dr. Debra Dixon, from NASA. “You. Begin.”
“Uh, at roughly 5 p.m. yesterday Eastern time, NASA turned conscious that a number of Apollo-era lunar-based retroreflectors—”
“And you’ve already misplaced me,” Heffernan stated.
Dixon cleared her throat and tried once more. “We have a bunch of mirrors on the moon.” She paused to verify this was understood. “We shoot lasers at them for science. Yesterday afternoon the mirrors stopped working.”
Why did they cease working?”
“It wasn’t clear on the time. We had mirrors at three websites, and there are three different units of mirrors, two from the Soviet period and one from the Indian moon touchdown in 2023. Those stopped working as nicely.”
“We requested the Russians and Indians about this?” Heffernan requested.
“No, we shot lasers at these mirrors, too.” Dixon stated. “Or the place we knew they had been speculated to be. We didn’t want their permission to do this. They’re mirrors. They replicate for anybody.”
“Okay, so mirrors are lacking on the moon. So what?”
“After we misplaced contact one in every of our stations concerned within the International Laser Ranging Service—”
“It’s a service that permits us to trace satellites and different objects in close to house to millimeter accuracy,” stated Alan Glover, who was within the assembly for the National Security Agency. “It additionally offers information on the situation of the moon.”
Heffernan grunted at this. Dixon continued. “Since we couldn’t use the mirrors, one in every of our stations ranged the moon utilizing an older technique referred to as EME, or a ‘moon bounce,’ by which we replicate radio waves immediately off the floor of the moon. That’s once we found one other situation.”
“What was the difficulty?”
“Uh.” Dixon seemed across the desk. “The bounce returned sooner than anticipated, sir.”
Heffernan seemed aggravated, and was opening his mouth to remind Dixon about making issues easy, when Colonel Glenn Axel of the Space Force spoke up. “It means the floor of the moon is nearer to Earth than it was once.”
This acquired Heffernan’s consideration. “How a lot nearer?”
“About 300 miles,” Dixon stated.
“How did the moon abruptly transfer 300 miles nearer to Earth?”
“It didn’t,” Dixon stated
“But—” Heffernan stopped. “It’s starting to really feel like ‘Who’s on First’ in right here,” he stated. He seemed across the desk and noticed clean expressions, and realized how a lot older he was than all the opposite folks on the desk. “Forget it. Explain to me how the moon is 300 miles nearer and but in some way not three
hundred miles nearer. Small phrases.”
Heffernan blinked at this. “The moon is rock. Rocks don’t develop.”
Dixon paused for a second, and Heffernan imagined her mind full of examples of how rocks may, the truth is, develop. If that was certainly what she was considering, she stated none of it. “We’re wanting into it now, sir. The level is that the moon is strictly the place it ought to be in its orbit, and likewise, its floor is 300 miles nearer to us. Which signifies that the diameter of the moon is roughly 600 miles wider than it was earlier than roughly 5 p.m. Eastern time yesterday.”
It’s inconceivable but it surely occurred,” Heffernan stated.
Heffernan rubbed his brow. “So now I’ve to go up and inform a president—this president—that right away, the moon in some way accreted 600 miles of rock.”
Almost inaudibly, Dixon squeaked.
“I heard that,” Heffernan stated, and pointed as soon as extra to Dixon. “Explain that squeak.”
“Oh, I actually don’t wish to,” Dixon stated, to the room. “Someone else do that one, please.”
“I’ll reply this,” stated Dr. Miriam Golden, from the National Science Foundation. Eyes turned to her. “The moon’s diameter is 600 miles wider than it was yesterday, however its mass is identical so far as we will inform. If it wasn’t we’d already be seeing proof of it. Higher tides, for a begin. If the moon is bodily bigger and has the identical mass, then no matter it’s made from is much less dense than the basalt and different materials that made up the moon as we knew it.”
“All proper,” Heffernan stated. “What is the brand new, mysterious substance that the moon is made out of once more?”
Another almost inaudible squeak from Dixon.
“Stop that,” Heffernan snapped at her. He seemed again to Golden. “Do ?”
“It’s being seemed into,” Golden stated. “There’s nothing we will affirm but. But yesterday, across the similar time because the moon mirrors went lacking, Space Center Houston reported an issue with their retailer of lunar samples. We first thought it was theft, however then different locations within the US which have or retailer moon rocks reported the precise situation at the very same time. In all circumstances the moon rocks had been gone and changed with objects made out of one other substance completely.”
“What substance?” Heffernan requested.
Golden seemed immediately on the White House chief of employees and answered calmly and evenly. “Cheese,” she stated.
Heffernan burst out laughing, went on for a superb very long time, after which stopped when he realized nobody else on the desk had even cracked a smile. “This is a joke,” he stated. “It has to be a joke.”
“You need to be fucking kidding me,” Heffernan stated, to the room. “I’ve right here representatives from each our science and intelligence group, and all of you’re telling me the moon—the complete fucking moon—has been turned to goddamn cheese.”
“That’s proper,” Golden stated. She at no time had taken her eyes off the chief of employees.
“Bullshit!” Heffernan stated. “It’s not potential.”
“It’s not potential,” Axel agreed. “It’s additionally our greatest guess in the meanwhile.”
“How the hell is that your ‘greatest guess’?”
“We checked it,” Dixon stated, talking up. “We examined the cheese that changed our lunar pattern. We decided its mass and density. Then we utilized these figures to the moon. They match.”
“What does that imply, ‘they match’?”
“It means they match!” Dixon stated. “If you had a moon made from this particular cheese, with the identical mass as our earlier moon, it could have the diameter it now has. Almost precisely.” She put her head in her fingers and stared on the convention desk. Heffernan thought of this for a minute. Then he stated, “What form of cheese?”
“It’s not simply that it’s cheese,” Dixon burst out, elevating her head once more. “It’s that it’s undifferentiated cheese.”
“Is that . . . a sort of cheese?” Heffernan requested.
“She signifies that it’s the identical right through,” Axel stated. “The moon and the earth have totally different layers to them. Rocky crust on the floor, molten or partially molten rock farther down, after which a strong core. This new moon doesn’t have layers. We can inform that from the diameter and the lunar samples we now have right here on the planet. It’s cheese of the identical density and consistency right through.”
“For now,” Dixon muttered, darkly.
“For now,” Heffernan repeated, query implied.
“She signifies that a mass of cheese sixteen hundred miles in diameter isn’t more likely to be secure,” Golden stated. “It’s going to begin collapsing on itself quickly.”
“We don’t know but,” Golden stated. “We need to mannequin it.” She seemed over to Dixon, who was now resolutely staring on the convention desk once more. “And we nonetheless have to verify that the moon is made from what we predict it’s. All the proof we now have proper now checks out, but it surely’s nonetheless only a speculation. We’ll must get extra information.”
“When will we now have it?” Heffernan requested.
“We’re already engaged on it.”
“Who is engaged on it?”
“We’re all engaged on it,” Axel stated. “It clearly has scientific and safety points.”
Heffernan thought of this after which checked out Dixon. “What does this imply for the moon landings?” NASA had been promising to return to the moon for many years, and had lastly scheduled crewed landings. Test flights, from NASA and from personal events elsewhere, had been already scheduled; an uncrewed flight from PanGlobal Aerospace, designed to check the soundness of the lunar lander NASA had commissioned them to assemble, was going to be launched from Ecuador in per week.
“It’s troublesome to land on cheese,” Dixon stated.
“If it’s cheese,” Golden stated to Dixon.
Dixon nodded. “Whatever it’s, we’re not more likely to danger touchdown on it till we all know it’s protected. It’s not my determination, however I wouldn’t be stunned if landings are delayed indefinitely.”
Heffernan grimaced at this. The president had famously wished to be an astronaut rising up, and fervently wished a moon touchdown throughout his administration. He can be sad with any delay. He put this out of his thoughts for the second, and turned to Alan Glover of the NSA. “Who is aware of about this?”
“About there being one thing happening with the moon?” Glover requested. “Literally everybody on the planet. The moon is up within the sky, near the solar. Cheese or not cheese, regardless of the moon is made from proper now’s lots brighter than moon rock was. The solar is up now. We may go outdoors and take a look at it ourselves.”
“Does any of the chatter you’ve picked up counsel anybody else is aware of the . . . cheese connection?” Heffernan requested.
“Nothing particular,” Glover stated. “We have public and safe chatter concerning the moon, clearly. Scientists are speaking overtly about it on social media. Even with out the good thing about samples”— Glover motioned towards Dixon—“they’ll have already figured 0ut diameter, mass and density. That’s simply math.”
“And what about samples?” Heffernan requested. “Who has moon rocks on the market?”
“Lots of individuals,” Dixon stated. “We gave moon rocks to each nation on the planet after we landed. Lots of them had been stolen or disappeared through the years, however sufficient of them are nonetheless on public show.
“And turned to cheese.”
“We haven’t heard from anybody about that, but it surely’s nonetheless early morning right here,” Dixon stated.
Heffernan seemed over to Glover. “Pick something up?”
“Not but, however once more, it’s solely a matter of time,” Glover stated. “If I keep in mind accurately, the samples are small”—Dixon nodded at this—“and doubtless for a minimum of a couple of hours the establishments which have them will assume some kind of theft occurred, similar to we did. We ought to in all probability allow them to proceed to assume that for so long as we will.”
“No one is claiming victory for stealing the moon,” Heffernan stated.
“Not to this point,” Glover stated. “Someone will. Someone at all times claims victory.”
“And simply to be clear, and I can’t consider I’m truly asking this, there is no such thing as a manner any of our enemies may have accomplished this?”
“No, sir,” Glover stated, completely critically. “We know just about every thing our associates and foes are as much as lately. There’s been no chatter of something even remotely much like this. Beyond that, there’s nobody else on the planet who would have the expertise to vanish the moon, a lot much less exchange it with a globe of, in all probability, cheese.”
“Do we now have that expertise?”
“Ask him.” Glover pointed to Colonel Axel of the Space Force.
“No, sir,” Axel stated. “And even when we had it, disappearing the moon and changing it with an equally huge orb of in all probability cheese serves no discernable army function.”
Heffernan checked out his watch. “I’ve to move up,” he stated.
“So let me summarize. Sometime yesterday afternoon the moon was changed by a globe of cheese with the identical weight—”
“Mass,” stated Dixon and Golden and Axel, all on the similar time.
“—the identical fucking mass because the moon, and we don’t know the way, or why, and the one factor we will say at this level is that we didn’t do it, nobody else we all know did it both, and the way in which we all know it’s cheese is that every one the moon rocks we now have right here on Earth was cheese on the similar time. Is that proper?”
“That’s mainly the gist of it, sure,” Axel stated.
“And each single one in every of you’ll truly stand behind this entire line of horseshit.”
“It is our greatest guess about what’s happening in the meanwhile, sure,” Golden stated.
“I hate it with each single bone in my physique and I can’t consider every other rationalization,” Dixon added.
Heffernan nodded. “Last query,” he stated. “When does this go away?”
“Go away?” Dixon requested.
“Yes, go away,” Heffernan stated, irritably. “How lengthy do we now have to attend till this cheese moon goes away and the outdated one comes again?”
The folks on the desk checked out each other. “We do not know the way it occurred, sir,” Golden stated. “And we do not know if it is a non permanent or everlasting change. We need to assume for now that, for all intents and functions, that is the moon now.”
“You all agree with this?” Heffernan stated. They all nodded.
“Great. You can inform everybody that on the press convention later immediately.”
“You need us to do a press convention about this?” Dixon requested, shocked.
“It’s not your press convention, it’s the president’s,” Heffernan stated, after which checked out their stunned faces. “People, the moon has turned to fucking cheese. The president can’t not have a press convention about this. He will go up, Jaime will whip some comforting phrases to vomit out on the nation, and then you definitely all will go up and reply the questions the president has no enterprise answering.” Heffernan pointed to Glover. “Not you, you’re a spy.”
“I didn’t assume you had been speaking about me,” Glover assured Heffernan.
“But the remainder of you, we’ll do that factor at three.”
“Do you assume that’s smart?” Golden stated. “People may lose their minds about this.”
“They completely will lose their minds about it,” Heffernan stated. “But if we do that proper, they may lose their minds within the course of our selecting.” He stood, and so they stood with him.
“Now. You have eight hours to get your tales straight. Get to it. I’ll have breakfast despatched down.”
MOON ALTERED BY MYSTERIOUS FORCES, PRESIDENT SAYS
NASA and different scientific organizations to search for causes however say “no hazard” for now
Early experiences counsel alterations might embody organic-seeming materials
By Robert Evansen, NYTimes Staff Writer
In one of the vital extraordinary presidential press conferences ever given, President Brett Boone confirmed that the moon, Earth’s sole pure satellite tv for pc, has undergone a big and unexplained transformation, rising some 600 miles in diameter seemingly immediately.
“We don’t but have solutions for a way or why this has occurred,” President Boone stated, studying from a short, ready assertion earlier than handing over the majority of the convention to representatives from NASA, the National Science Foundation and the Space Force. “We have the nation’s greatest minds engaged on this, and we’ll discover solutions, and when these solutions are discovered, we’ll share them with the United States and the world.”
President Boone pressured that whereas this lunar transformation was with out precedent in recorded historical past, “I’ve been assured by specialists at NASA that the nation is below no risk from it. I wish to stress this: There isn’t any hazard at the moment, nor can we anticipate any hazard from it within the close to future.”
The president added that he had been in touch with different world leaders— together with heads of state from China, Russia, India and the United Kingdom— and had met with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and representatives of the United States intelligence group. “At this second, this doesn’t look like the act of any authorities, group or particular person. As this is a matter that impacts us all, governments worldwide have pledged their cooperation to find out how this might have occurred, and why.”
According to Dr. Debra Dixon, chief scientist for NASA, the company turned conscious of the moon’s alterations yesterday at round 5:00 p.m. Eastern, shortly earlier than the moon, coming into its waxing crescent part, turned seen within the early night sky. Dr. Dixon famous that whereas the change occurred when the moon was indirectly seen to observers on Earth, no particular significance was accorded to that. “At this level, we assume it was random.”
Dr. Dixon stated that NASA was not but ready to supply any definitive statements as to the character of the transformation, cautioning that “science takes time.” That stated, Dr. Dixon did say that early observations of the moon prompt that its floor, beforehand made out of rock, may now be partially or totally comprised of “organic- seeming materials.” Dr. Dixon pressured that natural compounds weren’t in themselves proof of life.
When requested how the moon’s sudden transformation would have an effect on NASA’s schedule for crewed moon missions, Dr. Dixon stated that no dedication had but been made and that these selections can be made by NASA administrator Kevin Olsen at the side of John Able, administrator for the Diana missions. “Make no mistake that our goal has not wavered. We will return Americans to the moon,” Dr. Dixon stated. “We even have
to grasp how these modifications will have an effect on our courageous astronauts and their missions. We must take them safely to the moon. We additionally must carry them safely again.”
