Ask A.J. is Slate’s recommendation column on habit, restoration, and easy methods to hate your self much less. Submit a question here. It’s nameless!
Dear A.J.,
I’m about to enter my first sober “silly season” (the time period for the vacations we use in Australia). I’m telling myself it’s all going to be OK. But I’ve already obtained three Christmas events I’ve been invited to, and the nervousness is creeping up. I’m nonetheless very a lot within the early days of restoration from booze and medicines. I’m based mostly in Sydney, the place the solar shall be out, everybody’s in a fantastic temper, and sure, alcohol and medicines shall be flying round.
I typically wish to encompass myself with supportive individuals who respect my restoration and need me to remain sober, however I’m nonetheless scared of this Christmas interval and going to pubs or events the place all this craziness goes to be occurring. I actually don’t need to say no to them altogether; I need to have the ability to on the very least pop my head in and say hi there, and many others. But I additionally need to make my restoration the precedence. I’m questioning: What is the perfect preparation an individual in early restoration can have? What’s my greatest protection right here? I’ve a prescription for Antabuse, which I’ve been taking. I don’t even understand how sick you may get in the event you drink on these issues, however I’ve obtained that a minimum of. Is that a good suggestion, you suppose? I’d love to listen to the way you navigated the early days throughout this time of yr.
—No Longer Silly
Dear NLS,
Oh God—your first sober vacation (foolish) season. Let me each want you hearty congratulations and prolong my condolences for a few of the emotional turbulence and frustration you might expertise. I’ve spent most of my holidays in America, so I’m used to colder climates, however I don’t envy you having to deal with the amped-up feelings brought on by Christmas and {the summertime}. (Damn you, Southern Hemisphere.)
I empathize a lot along with your dilemma about dealing with these celebration invitations: Should you go hang around and sip sodas and chain-smoke cigs, or keep away from all of the enjoyable attributable to the potential of unnecessarily triggering your self? But then once more, what’s the larger hazard zone: being round all that sunshine and festive boozing or being alone in your home with all of your intrusive ideas?
Here is a rundown of my first foolish season: On Nov. 26, 2015, I spent (American) Thanksgiving in a therapy middle in Florida. After our common morning session of group remedy, about 20 of us hopped within the sad-ass rehab van and had been taken to a large AA clubhouse full with a pair hundred of Florida’s most interesting recovering alcoholics, a few of whom had been additionally nonetheless in inpatient services. I anticipated that it could be bleak. How may it not be? I used to be away from residence, away from family and friends, caught in rehab. There was part of me that anticipated that the day would completely sink me into an irreversible despair.
But lo and behold, it was considered one of my greatest Thanksgivings. The meals was nice, and the vibe was oddly festive, however principally, it was an opportunity to bond with a few of the folks there, who had been additionally stunned that they had been all feeling surprisingly OK.
And why was that? I’ll drop an overused time period right here: It was the connection, man. Connection to the vulnerability of others, connection by being collectively in a shared house. There was a radiant happy-sadness that in the end represented one thing I used to be not accustomed to in my early restoration: religion. The religion that I can get by this; the understanding that it’s bleak provided that I select to make it bleak. I instantly had the assumption that in due time, my sober life can be higher. It was not like something I’d ever skilled earlier than.
Now, right here’s one thing else it is best to know. My Christmas and New Year’s that yr had been extraordinarily bleak. I used to be combating with my household and didn’t go residence to see them. I spent many of the days earlier than and after Christmas lonely and misplaced, scrolling by Facebook whereas sitting in my Brooklyn residence, craving for previous vacation seasons, ones after I may get blissfully hammered with all my buddies and have minimal penalties. I spun and plotted—what if I put this sobriety factor off for an additional yr? Maybe I may begin being sober for actual throughout a special time of the yr, in April, not so near the vacations, so I may very well be extra ready for the dips, in order that abstaining from booze and medicines can be more easy. I had no backup plan to that, and it did a quantity on my temper.
But I caught with it! There had been a few slips and hiccups, however I didn’t fall fully off the cliff. And by Thanksgiving 2016, I used to be capable of deal with the vacations with extra certainty and sturdiness. I had grow to be extra sturdy.
Back to you: Here is my recreation plan for a way it is best to handle your inaugural Sober Silly Season. Remember that this yr, your first yr, is about enduring the vacations. You must put your restoration first and be trustworthy with your self about what you may and can’t deal with being round, particularly when you’ve got Antabuse pumping by you. (If you drink on Antabuse, put together to have an disagreeable expertise, one by which the potential of vomiting may be very excessive. Then you’ll have two huge issues, and a messy shirt.)
I do know you will have some sights to “pop your head into” a few of these events, however I encourage you to suppose during and go into it with a navigable recreation plan. There’s a saying in AA about having “good toes” at social occasions, particularly ones the place the booze and rowdiness grow to be extra tempting the longer you grasp round. Having good toes requires you to know the place the exit is always. If you begin to really feel that sticking round is dangerous, it is advisable to run to the exit. Say your goodbyes later and go someplace safer on your sobriety.
But in the event you resolve to forgo these events altogether this yr, don’t simply isolate your self at residence. Even in the event you’re not consuming booze, it’s potential to get drunk on self-pity, and that’s typically much more harmful for folks like us. You mentioned you had a assist system, so faucet into that early. Plan some extravagant meals at eating places or go elevate your tradition at some overseas film homes or go axe throwing or skeet taking pictures or candle-making. Also, if you’re a meeting-maker, make these conferences. If you aren’t, lock in these full-day plans and guarantee you aren’t simply hiding out. Try one thing new. You’ve obtained the time and the capability to increase your life, and you are able to do that beginning proper now.
But bear in mind what I advised you: You can sit this yr out. There shall be different Silly Seasons, whenever you’ll have a greater sense of what you may deal with and the place you could find a few of the joys inaccessible to you when you’ve been drunk and excessive all these years. It’ll occur for you—if you would like it to.
—A.J.
